watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
