I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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