I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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