Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
