Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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