i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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