I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
is wine microwaveable?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
