one word: firstdatebathroomanal
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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