I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
