This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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