Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
