Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
