when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
