I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
