Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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