don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
