4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
