you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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