I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
