At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and she was petting her beer can
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
