everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
