Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
