do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
