You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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