Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Are we still banned from the library?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
