Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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