OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
