I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
