Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
