Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
