Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
