Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
