connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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