I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
