Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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