He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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