Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
