I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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