I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
