The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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