Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
