He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
