to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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