I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
