I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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