I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
