just tell him i said nine months
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
