upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going