Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.