I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
