If i come over, it means nothing
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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