i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
