if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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