I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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