I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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