at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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